


Beyond Logic

by EarthToKit



Series: Nonbinary Spock Universe [1]
Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Coming Out, Cuddling, Established Relationship, Fluff, I have no idea how the bond works I'm just winging it, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Other, Protective Jim, Spock is kind of secretly emotional what else is new?, TOS gender norms as beginning of 21st century gender norms AU, ambiguous timeline, genderqueer Spock, in this universe Vulcan is kind of conservative, lol, no drama Jim is chill, nonbinary Spock, protective of Spock from themself, they/them pronouns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-30 00:30:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12642432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EarthToKit/pseuds/EarthToKit
Summary: When Spock first encountered Earth concepts of gender identity it had seemed a cruel fate, that even here, they were stuck between two worlds.They've never talked to anyone about this aspect of themself. After all, there is no logical reason to disclose such information, and they have nothing to gain by such an action. Pronouns are merely words. They know who they are, and it is irrational to feel any better or worse depending on something so insignificant.But Jim is a perceptive son of a bitch, and Spock is off balance. They supposed it was only a matter of time. They never intended to keep it a secret, after all. It is merely that it is entirely without consequence..





	Beyond Logic

**Author's Note:**

> This story is entirely self-indulgent. As someone who grapples with matters of gender and pronouns, I cannot help but to project the struggle unto my favorite characters. I mean no harm by this exercise, and I hope I don’t offend anyone.  
> I also thought that my own struggle re: pronouns and dysphoria read as a very Vulcan struggle of logic vs emotion, so who better to play out this scenario than Spock themself! 
> 
> (Thoughts about gender in this universe in End Notes)
> 
> Warnings: A little bit of internalized cissexism kinda but not bad. Society has progressed alarmingly little. Non-binary Spock. Singular they/them. There's a good chance I messed up and referred to Spock as he somewhere in here and my ADHD ass has been unable to see it when proofreading. I'm sorry.

Spock swiped at their eyelid, generously applying eyeshadow with a concentrated look on their face. Beside them, Jim was brushing his teeth in their shared bathroom. There was a content silence in the room, both resting easy in the company of each other.

Spock finished up, and stepped back, just as Jim made a move to spit out his toothpaste. Jim flashed Spock a grin through the mirror, as he rinsed his toothbrush. Spock raised an eyebrow in return.

It was a morning like so many others since they’d started dating, but for some reason Spock wasn’t feeling quite as content as they usually would during these mundane activities. Something was bothering them.

Something… illogical.

It was a testament to Spock’s excellent mental barriers, that their bondmate hadn’t yet picked up on their uneasiness.

Suddenly Jim’s minty breath was right in front of Spock’s face, and it occurred to Spock that they’d been distracted, as Jim brushed his lips against theirs.

“See you on the bridge,” Jim said, making it sound like more of a promise than a statement, before he disappeared into his own room.

Spock nodded silently. Indeed.

 

***

 

It had all started with a yeoman. The captain’s new yeoman, in fact. Yeoman Ross. When the captain had casually referred to this yeoman as “she”, they had prompty corrected him with a “they, sir.”

Since that interaction, Spock had looked at the yeoman with some interest. It wasn’t that they’d never come across a human who went by they/them pronouns before. Spock was well aware of the theory behind human gender. But they struggled to understand the motivation to guard such pronouns to the extent of correcting a Senior Officer – the Captain, no less, on the bridge. After all, it was merely a word.

Then again, they supposed it was a matter of emotion rather than logic, and dismissed the line of inquiry as something human that they would never understand.

Afterall, Spock had been referred to as a man their whole life, and that didn’t make them any less nonbinary.

Did it?

***

 

“Yeoman Ross!” Jim’s face lit up, as he accepted the coffee from the yeoman. Spock was studying them out of the corner of their eye, from their place at the scanner. Once Ross had left the bridge, Jim beamed at Spock who was still staring at him.

“I like them!” Jim stated. “They have guts.”

 

***

 

Spock didn’t mean to resent Yeoman Ross. Resentment was not only an emotion, it was one of the uglier and more pointless human emotions. It came just at the heel of another unwarranted emotion: Jealousy.

Spock concentrated on clearing their mind to meditate. Yet they kept hearing Jim’s voice in their head. “Yeoman Ross this, “ “they that”. It was as if Jim was taking any possible chance to talk about the yeoman.

“Quiet..” Spock mumbled to themself. After a while they managed to fall into a restful state of meditation.

 

***

 

Spock had known from a very young age that they were different. It really was a given, with the trouble they went to since as long as they could remember, to suppress their human emotions and embrace the Vulcan way. To Spock, their mother had always represented the illogical and off-limits ways of humans. So in a sense, when they were a young child and wished to dress in the flowing dresses of their mother, and grow their hair out, to shape themself in her image.. they’d considered it an illogical longing to be human more so than anything else. After all, their mother was the prototype human of their youth.

It wasn’t until joining Star Fleet that they encountered the idea of gender identity. It had seemed a cruel irony that even here, they were stuck between two worlds.

But much in the same way that Spock had been raised a Vulcan, they had also been raised a boy, and there was no logical merit to calling either of those things into question.

No logical merit at all.

 

***

 

“Spock. Spock!” Jim’s tone was insistent, and Spock blinked at him. “You seem distracted,” Jim noted, a look of concern on his face. They were in Jim’s quarters, playing chess. It was Spock’s move.

“I apologize, Captain,” Spock said.

“Something on your mind?” Jim asked, leaning forward. It was typical of him to want to be closer to Spock when he was worried.

“Indeed,” Spock admitted. “I seem to have been preoccupied.” They returned their gaze to the board, and tried to get their head back in the game. It was ridiculous, the way their thoughts were snowballing these days. Completely out of order. It was a disgrace.

“I can feel you being hard on yourself,” Jim said gently. Spock looked up from the game to meet his gaze.

“I can assure you that it is warranted,” they said honestly. “The matter with which I am preoccupied is entirely without consequence.”

“Now, Mr. Spock..” Jim said, looking determined. “If it was without consequence it’d hardly have been occupying your thoughts for days now.” Spock hid their surprise behind a raised eyebrow. Either Jim was getting better at reading Spock through their bond, or Spock was more transparent than they’d like to think.

“It’s about Yeomand Ross, isn’t it?” Jim asked, and this time Spock kept their face blank. They should have thought it through before they bonded with someone as perceptive as the Captain.

“That may well be true,” Spock conceded.

Jim looked like he was thinking something through. “Is this the first time you’ve met a human who preferred genderneutral language?” Jim asked finally.

“Negative, Captain.” Spock said. There had been others, though it was true that Spock didn’t make a habit out of being on a first-name basis with staff, much less ask them their pronouns.

“Yet it bothers you?” Jim surmised. Spock wasn’t sure how to respond, so they just looked evenly at Jim.

“Well, I must admit I never studied Vulcan gender norms,” Jim said finally. “But I think you are going to get something twisted in your mind if you attempt to apply logic to such a thing as gender identity. It’s a kind of.. feeling, I suppose. Or a knowing. I can recommend you some literature if..”

Spock cut him off. “I am well acquainted with queer theory and history, Captain.”

Jim looked surprised. “You are?”

“Yes sir.”

“Yet Yeoman Ross’ situation bothers you. Commander are you.. by any chance.. “ Jim looked like he was struggling to believe where the conversation was going. “Do you have a problem with transgender folks?”

Spock blinked. That was not where they had been worried the Captain was heading, but this was so much worse.

“Negative, Captain, “ they said, and took an uncharacteristically deep breath. “I believe that I am, in a manner of speaking, what a human would refer to as.. transgender.” Now that they were actually discussing it, it would be illogical to deny it. Spock had never intended for it to be a secret, but there had simply never been any reason to bring it up before now.

Jim didn’t look nearly as dumbfounded as Spock had expected. In fact, he looked rather calm.

“Spock…” he said in a soft tone.

“Jim.” Spock answered, realizing they probably had to elaborate, but not knowing where to start.

“So are you.. I mean,” Jim was starting to look a little flustered at the continued silence. “What are you?” He shook his head. “Sorry, that was inelegant.”

“It’s fine, Jim.” Spock made a point of using his name to drive home the point that it really was fine.

“I believe that I am a variation of what you humans refer to as non-binary,” Spock finally said. “I find it difficult to elaborate beyond that. I do not feel that I am entirely man nor woman, but occasionally I feel more inclined towards either or none.” They opted not to go into the confusing mess that was ideal presentation vs actual gender. They didn’t quite understand it themself.

Jim nodded slowly.

“Thank you for telling me,” he said. Spock lifted an eyebrow.

“I do not understand why you are thanking me,” Spock said earnestly. “I have merely stated a fact.”

“Well, I am glad you don’t have to be alone with these thoughts anymore, is all,” Jim said.

“Keeping these thoughts to myself was a non-issue.” Spock was looking at the chess pieces again, not knowing what to make of the look in Jim’s eyes. “It is a matter of little consequence.” They were looking at the chess board, so they didn’t see the expression in Jim’s eyes, before he suddenly got up from his chair. Spock looked up questioningly, as Jim approached. He put a hand on Spock’s arm, and they could feel waves of warmth and affection through the bond as they touched. And for some reason.. a hint of sadness. Spock swallowed against the emotion.

“Spock.. Is there.. Should I.. Do you prefer other pronouns, should I stop calling you mister..?” Jim’s eyes were full of devotion. Spock knew for a fact that he would do all that if they asked him to. But they couldn’t ask him to do that.

“I am quite partial to you calling me Mister, Captain.” They said honestly. It was true. It sounded like a term of endearment when spoken by Jim. “As for anything else, I believe it would be highly illogical to request for you to use different pronouns than the rest of the crew, and changing pronouns with the whole crew would be quite inefficient. “ They paused, but spoke up before Jim had a chance to. “Pronouns are merely words, they hold no descriptive power. It is.. illogical to put much stock in a word.” Spock wasn’t sure why it sounded so false to their ears. They had been over this a thousand times. Yes, they thought of themself as a “they”, but their gender was unchanged regardless of how others spoke or thought about them. Insisting on a costly effort like changing pronouns might be advised where emotional humans were concerned, but certainly not for a Vulcan of any integrity.

“Is that why Yeoman Ross threw you off?” Jim asked sincerely. “You think it’s.. illogical for them to signify their gender by using neutral pronouns?”

Spock shook their head slowly. “On the contrary. For a human the emotional benefits likely outweigh the costs. Besides, seeing as they have introduced themselves as such from the beginning, there isn’t much lost in the way of efficiency.”

“Okay..” Jim said. “Look, Spock…” he squeezed their arm. “I don’t think there’s any right answer here. I just notice that none of your arguments so far have included “I don’t care” or “I prefer it as it is.”…” He paused. “All you’ve told me is that it would be illogical and cost-deficient.”

“Indeed,” Spock agreed. “And seeing as I naturally have no emotions towards the matter, I believe this discussion is over.”

Jim stroked their arm, and placed his hand on their shoulder. As if silently reminding Spock that their bond might beg to differ. Spock doubled down on their mental defences, willing the irrational emotions this conversation was stirring in them, away. Jim seemed to be thinking for a while, before he spoke:

“But isn’t it also.. logical, to call a thing by its proper name?” he was looking at them with sincerity. “Or in this case, to call a person by the pronoun that makes them…” he stopped himself, as if he’d been about to name an emotion, and then corrected himself “..the pronoun that best describes what they know to be true of themself.” Even though Jim was speaking of a hypothetical “them” it was close enough to him referring to Spock that way, that they felt a surge of irrational satisfaction. Illogical.

“A pronoun is a matter of little consequence,” Spock insisted. “It is hardly a descriptor at all. I am sure that we would both agree that there are no objective differences signified by using they rather than he, in this case.”

“Alright,” Jim said. “I won’t push the matter. But is it correctly understood that you do, in theory, prefer they?”

Spock nodded, unsure what to say.

“So would you mind if I start to think of you as such?” Jim asked softly. His hand had moved into Spock’s hair, and they wanted to push against it, but held still.

“That might be….” Spock sat still for a long while, while Jim petted their hair. “..Preferable.”

Jim beamed down at them. “Perfect!” Spock lifted an eyebrow, failing to see how that had made the human so happy.

“Now, I believe it is my move,” Spock said, indicating the chess board. It was high time for a change in subject.

 

***

 

Later that night, much later, they were facing each other under the covers. It was dark, but Spock could easily tell where Jim was by the heat radiating off his skin. Jim had a hand on Spock’s waist, slowly moving it back and forth in a tired motion. Spock had one leg hooked protectively over their Captain. Jim’s movements were slowing down, and Spock suspected he would soon be asleep.

“Jim…” Spock said softly.

“Mmm?” Jim murmured, his hot breath hitting Spock in the crook of his neck.

“Does it… bother you?” Spock asked. Jim shifted.

“Does what bother me, Spock?” he asked, stroking his hand down and over to Spock’s long leg that was laid across him.

“Thinking of me as a.. they, sir.” Spock said. There was something about these late hours with Jim that made them feel as if it was okay to… well, feel. As if the close proximity of the human excused the tangle of emotion between them. Surely, most of it was coming from Jim’s side of the bond anyways.

Jim moved his hand back to Spock’s side, and pulled them towards him. It made for a slightly uncomfortable position, but Spock didn’t much mind, enjoying the feeling of exposed skin against exposed skin.

“Far from it,” Jim said into Spock’s neck. Spock could feel his lips move against their skin. “It’s kind of nice to know that I’m addressing you properly in my mind,” he added. “It’s hard to explain. I know it doesn’t make a difference for you… but still.”

“It does make a difference,” Spock admitted. “I cannot provide you with a satisfactory explanation for the phenomena, yet.. it does.” They felt the urge to run their hand through Jim’s hair, but their arms were stuck between theirs and Jim’s torso. Impractical.

“Spock, are you..” Jim paused, and moved a bit away in the bed, so there was some room between them.

“I don’t know if this is a wrong question. But do you.. I mean. Do you feel.. okay? With stuff?” he asked.

“Need I remind you I do not feel in the manner you refer to?” Spock asked. They were aware they were avoiding the question, but it seemed like the logical option. They weren’t sure how to begin to answer what they thought Jim was asking about.

“I mean is there. Do you feel.. I mean.. do you experience a disconnect that is .. impractical..” Jim was clearly struggling to word his question in a way that Spock wouldn’t easily dismiss.

“If you are referring to what is commonly referred to as “gender dysphoria” I must remind you of the roots of the word dysphoria. It is an Ancient Greek word meaning “excessive pain” or “hard to bear”. The word is commonly associated with depression and refers to a state of unhappiness.” Spock pulled their leg back to their side of the bed.

“I am not unhappy, Captain. And Vulcans can easily bear pain.” Jim shifted on the bed, as if he wasn’t sure if he should initiate contact again.

“It is illogical not to accept things as they are.” Spock elaborated. Jim was eerily quiet, and they wondered -illogically- if he’d fallen asleep. Jim never fell asleep while talking.

“Spock.” Jim finally said, his voice full of emotion. “Forgive me, but I don’t like the idea of you hurting in any way, even if you insist you can control it..” He shifted again, inching closer. Spock didn’t move away.

“So just. I know you don’t want to hear this and it might be the wrong thing to say. But you know.. it’s okay to prefer certain things and dislike certain things, regardless of logical concerns.. There are some things that can’t be explained logically yet they still.. are. And it’s okay to… I mean. I don’t want you to feel bad about feeling bad, damnit. It’s okay to have elements of your life that can’t be entirely explained logically.. ” Jim finally stopped speaking.

Spock lifted their eyebrow even though Jim couldn’t see it. “A very human sentiment, Jim.”

“Well I hate to break it to you, Spock, but… you are half human too.” Jim said quietly. “I just sometimes wish you would have more empathy for yourself.”

“Illogical, Captain. As a sentient being I have full access to my own mind, and no need to ..”

“You know what I mean, love.” Jim interrupted. “No need to play dumb.”

“I am genuinely confused as to how I may extend empathy to my own self,” Spock insisted.

“Alright, alright.” Jim said. There was silence for a bit. Then Jim spoke again. “You moved away before. Would you rather I don’t touch you right now?”

“May I remind you that you moved away first?” Spock asked. “But no, touching would be .. good.”

“Great!” Jim said, and somehow Spock could hear the relief in his voice. “Do you wanna spoon?”

“That is indeed a logical position,” Spock said. “Do you wish to be held or to hold?”

Jim placed a hand on Spock’s shoulder.

“Can I hold you tonight? I’m feeling kind of.. protective.”

“There is nothing from which I need protection,” Spock said, a little confused, but they still turned around and pushed back against Jim’s broad frame.

“Just let me have this,” Jim said, a strange note in his voice, as he put his arm around Spock. Spock didn’t complain.

Jim was illogical and emotional, but he was also very warm and very very safe.

Spock had almost fallen asleep when a thought occurred to them, and they opened their eyes wide.

“Jim. You… knew, didn’t you? Is that why you kept bringing up Yeomand Ross?” The way Jim had been so calm when they told him… Had he manipulated them into telling him?

“Mm?” Jim asked, and nuzzled his face into their hair. They’d have to straighten it in the morning for sure.

“How did you know?” Spock insisted.

“I didn’t.. Just…” Jim’s hand was seeking in the dark until he found Spock’s hand, and tangled their fingers together.

“I just noticed you were interested in them, is all. I wasn’t sure why…” Jim said sleepily.

“Go to sleep before you come up with more conspiracy theories in that beautiful head of yours.” Spock pushed back against Jim, wanting to get closer to him. They were starting to fall asleep again, too tired to pursue the thought.

“I adore you,” Jim said quietly, stroking his thumb over their hand.

“…too,” Spock mumbled. Jim’s thumb stilled, and his breathing grew even. Spock followed him into sleep soon after.

They weren’t unhappy.

**Author's Note:**

> So I know there’s a question here: Hasn’t human society progressed in any manner with regards to queer theory etc? Well. Basically this is a TOS fic and in TOS “The concept of male and female are universal”… Well, TOS is a product of its time. This fic is basically intended as an AU in that aspect alone: It is a TOS with gender norms which are a product of our time, though in a fairly progressive manner.
> 
> As for Vulcans and gender. An argument could be made for Vulcans being very accepting of different genders and sexualities because it’s illogical to dismiss things that are real. But I think that…. On the other hand.. Vulcans’ whole thing is to suppress things that are real, like emotion, for better or worse (based on a narrow definition of logic). If you exclude emotion then a thing like gender identity becomes kind of pointless, in a certain pov. Also Vulcans don’t seem to marry based on love, but in arranged marriages to deal with Pon Farr and reproduce. Which seems to be strictly “male-female”…Like. I dunno. But I think an argument could be made that Vulcan would be a fairly conservative society at the end of the day with a kind of “don’t ask don’t tell it doesn’t matter” policy.  
> I imagine a lot of Vulcans would consider themselves sort of “ideologically agender” because gender identity doesn’t seem logical. (Or maybe they are aggressively cis. I don’t know lol i dont hope so who knows. they're aliens, damnit. )
> 
> This is, incidentally, why I didn’t make Spock agender exactly. I felt like it would be more interesting if they were dealing with something less easily “rationalized”.
> 
> As for why Spock is suddenly so preoccupied with gender because of a little thing like the Yeoman correcting Jim: In short. They're not as rational as they'd like to think. In somewhat longer terms, I think that it's a quite natural process. You can kind of compartmentalize these things and be okay for long stretches of time. Probably especially so as a someone who excels in controlling their mind/suppressing their emotions. But then sometimes a little thing will wind its way into your thoughts and mess up all that careful control. And it takes other concerns with it, and suddenly everything is shit. I imagine it has happened before, but at that time, there wasn't a Jim to confront them about it, and they would have reestablished balance after a while on their own.


End file.
